The Borderland Chronicles

*A list compiled with help from my fellow PCVs with whom I commiserate almost on a daily basis about the vast cultural differences between America and Ukraine. (The following appear as submitted.)

“Ukrained” definition: Essentially, culture shock. More specifically, when a Peace Corps Volunteers living in Ukraine experiences a sort of cultural misunderstanding or incident resulting in awkwardness, discomfort, embarrassment and/or surprise.

You know you’ve been “Ukrained” when…

‎…you misinterpret what a man says and end up riding an hour on a marshrutka in the wrong direction. -Chris M.

‎…you shrug and get out to push the bus with the rest of the guys. -Michael W.

…you’re on a bike ride and your ukrainian friend warns you against the route you’re taking because you’re heading towards nuclear waste. -Ben R.

…you agree to help a man hold a chicken only to soon find out you’ve become an accomplice in its beheading. -Chris M.

…you’re told the mystery meat you just ate was nutria. -Chris M.

…you go to rinse the soapy clothes you’ve been washing in the tub and the water goes out. -Chris M.

…your school director tells you you’ll have to deliver a speech – in Russian – about teaching healthy lifestyles to Ukrainian youth with only an hour notice. -Chris M.

…your counterpart drags you out of bed at 7 a.m. without telling you why and takes you to the newspaper office, where a staff of reporters and a photographer are waiting. -Chris M.

…any purchases of food or drink in the bazaar are accompanied with a “to your health.” Even (especially!) when it’s homemade hooch. -Kate S.

…you forget the “sh” change when telling people “I write.” Which means you just told an audience (inevitably of fellow teachers) that “I pee.” -Kate S.

…you get home from the store to find that the dairy products you bought expired two weeks ago. -Carson W.

‎…you know, personally, the cow where you get your milk. And have stepped in the (massive) piles of poop it’s left in your yard. -Kate S.

…you go to get your haircut and you end up with a flattop. And when you ask for the woman to cut off some more, she tells you, “no.” -Sam C.

…you find out what you translated – and just said in class – meant “erotic” and not “pretend” or “imaginary” like you thought, and 20 9th graders laugh at you. -Chris M.

…you sign 40 autographs at a school with 35 students. -Sally E.

…fish nets, a mini-skirt and stilettos look completely appropriate (or maybe even stylish) for a 14 year old at school. -Becky R.

…hearing the words, “I have a son (or daughter)” means more than just, “I have a son (or daughter).” -Rachel S.

‎…you’re forced to wear a ring on your right hand just so all the local babyshkas will finally stop introducing you to random Ukrainian men. -Cassandra P.

…you show up to class to give a lesson and the teacher dismisses the students you were supposed to teach because she didn’t get the memo. -Sam C.

…you show up to give a 30 minute lesson and you show up for an 8:30 start and the director asks if you can teach until 10. -Sally E.

…you are told to wear “sportivni odezhda” (sports attire) and show up in a t-shirt, baggy jeans and sneakers, only to find everyone else wearing sequined tank-tops, tight skinny jeans and high heels. -Sally E.

…you start to cut your hair with the clippers (bought in Ukraine) and then the battery dies. -Sam C.

…you start an English club on Friday, and on Monday your counterpart tells you she’s moving you to a worse apartment because you’re not the volunteer she wanted. -Whitney F.